JESSICA REED

Marc Guyer’s Secret Weight Loss Tips

Me: *talking out loud, not really speaking to anyone specific* Ugh. I need to lose weight. I think I need to sit down and actually create a schedule of running and going to the gym. 

Marc: Um, it’s not that complicated to lose weight. 

Me: OH, REALLY? It’s simple, huh? It’s just… not complicated, huh? To lose weight? You’ve got the answer? 

Marc. Yeah. Just eat less. Duh.

SAY WHAT?! STOP THE MOTHER LOVING PRESSES, YOU GUYS! What have we been doing to ourselves, paying for gym time, looking for low carb, fat-free, gluten-free, calorie-free recipes, training for marathons, and putting ourselves in general misery when THE ANSWER IS JUST. SO. SIMPLE. 

Morons around the globe: JUST EAT LESS. 

Now that I have given you this sacred, little-known secret, go forth and seek happiness in the land where muffin tops and double chins are only a myth. 

You’re welcome. 

Lately

What happened to April? Spring has flown by. Summer will be gone soon. So it goes. Here’s what I did: 

• Sushi at Kona Grill in Carmel; I can’t remember what this roll was called, but it was amazing!
• My new favorite cocktail.
• Farmers market flowers and a strawberry rhubarb pie Marc made with farmers market strawberry and rhubarb.
• Awards brunch!
• Bloomington was named the 4th hardest working town in America - and Total was giving away cereal and fruit. It was a nice surprise breakfast. 
• Anyone who knows me knows how much I love blue. 
• Bongzilla, we hardly knew ye. RIP, good buddy. 

DIY Painting

So painting shouldn’t be that hard, right? I am a horrible, sloppy, impatient painter. Which is why Marc will not let me repaint the bedroom. More on that later. But he can’t stop me from repainting my own file cabinet! When he isn’t home! And he doesn’t even know I’m doing it!

This project was part success/part disaster. It was part success because I now have a white file cabinet, which was the primary goal. 

It was part disaster for several reasons, one of them being the file cabinet is just a POS anyway. Painting it did not hide the fact is was cheap. But it did considerably mask it. Also, this was somewhat unsuccessful due to taking questionable advice. The file cabinet looks fine. If you don’t look too close. Which no one will. In one evening, I painted the cabinet down to about the bottom inch because I could not figure out how to get that last inch without painting the floor. There is still paint all over the floor, but I attribute that to miscellaneous paint splatter, which, in my opinion is really just unavoidable. So I planned on flipping it upside down and painting the bottom the following day.

But here is a fun fact: maybe putting the paint-covered brush in the freezer like someone suggested is not a great idea. Because, let’s say, the next day it’s frozen and when it’s thawed out, it basically is pretending like you just left it out overnight. It’s like a hammer at this point. So, maybe stand your ground and stick with your original plan of putting it in the fridge? 

But guess what - I still used that frozen mofo. I liken it to using a toothbrush. But it was the bottom inch of the file cabinet. And really, you guys, my standards were not that high.

What have we learned today? TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. At least this time.

Look at that beautiful “oak” finish! 

It’s at least a 58% improvement. Which was way more than I was hoping for. 

Saturday Love

Saturdays are my favorite days, especially Saturday mornings. Today was exceptionally awesome and I found myself taking photos all day. These are some of my favorite things from today. 

This is my Florence mug. I drink too much coffee and this mug is huge. Perfect. 

The Fried Green Tomato BLT from Sweet Grass in Bloomington. And a Stella. 

The Nancy Drew collection from the Second Street Antique Mall. I read all of these when I was younger. I kind of wonder what I would think of them now. Lame? Still awesome? She had a friend named Bess, which even then I thought was an unfortunate name. 

Need I say more? Exactly.

Fresh basil! 

I’m also in the process of repainting an old file cabinet. It’s going… okay. Marc isn’t helping me. I think he’s trying to teach me a lesson and I’m not sure what that is. So take that! 

Can’t Have Nothin’ Nice - Sunglasses Edition

So anyone who knows my father is familiar with the phrase “Damn kids can’t have nothin’ nice.” Because growing up, my brother and I couldn’t have nothin’ nice. We broke stuff. We lost stuff. We trashed stuff. And not really our stuff, either. Mostly my parents’ stuff. 

This has followed me around throughout life and is the main reason that I have never owned an expensive pair of sunglasses. I have always wanted a pair of Ray Ban Aviators. But deep down I knew that buying them would be exactly like ripping a $100 bill in half, losing one half, but holding onto the other half, which is useless but forever serves as a reminder of the one time I had an entire $100 bill and effed it all up. 

But Marc has nice things. Which I hope are insured. Because I’m left home alone a lot. And sometimes things just break on their own, right? And there is no one else here to verify that I DIDN’T TOUCH IT, I SWEAR! 

One night last year, Marc and I went to dinner. And when the sun went down, he asked me to put his sunglasses in my purse. They were a very nice pair of sunglasses. And somewhat fancy. Which leads me to believe they were somewhat expensive. The next morning, Marc asks me for his sunglasses, which are nowhere to be found in my purse. I have no idea what happened, but I do have several theories. They jumped ship. Someone took them. They fell out at one point when I was getting something else out (unlikely). But the most likely scenario? Him asking me to put them in my purse never actually happened. 

So he had no sunglasses. On his way home from work one day, he stopped at Big Red Liquors and bought a pair of Budweiser sunglasses for $2.99. Which I started wearing because they were AWESOME (and my sunglasses were MIA, per usual). And then one day they just broke in half. Magically. Somehow.

My point: yesterday, we were at Big Red Liquors again and THERE THEY WERE! IN RED! I am now the proud owner of a special pair of red Budweiser plastic sunglasses. I am writing this post mostly to document the day I acquired these sunglasses. So on the day they become missing or broken I know how many days I had them and I can then determine some sort of average life span of sunglasses once they come into my possession. 

P.S. They also come in green, which, in my opinion, just isn’t as classy. 

First Post!

artsweek:

Welcome to the blog for IU’s 27th Arts Week!

Here, you will find information about all the events, posts from people in the community, pictures and videos of the events, and a platform for discussing the events.

To share a story, photo, quote, video, link, or quote make sure to click the “Submit a Post” link in the upper right corner of the page.

Oh, and make sure to follow us as the event gets closer:

Twitter: @IUArtsWeek
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The List

I was digging through a bunch of junk the other day and found a bucket list that I had started several years ago. A few things on this list have actually been crossed off. Some of them will never be crossed off. It’s by no means done but I’m going to post it, add to it, look at it, think about how bad I suck at accomplishing dreams and goals, and then pat myself on the back for my competent list-making skills. 

And, in random order…

1. Go to grad school 
2. Clean out storage and get rid of ALL unnecessary junk (is this even possible?) 
3. Run a 5K
4. Run a half marathon
5. Run a marathon (after the half marathon, this one may come off the list) 
6. Run Bay to Breakers
7. Learn to use a fancy camera (Marc has one) 
8. Get Marc to teach me to use fancy camera
9. Use fancy camera
10. Travel around Europe some more, hitting the places I missed the first time (this list is it’s own animal) 
11. Brew (drinkable) beer 
12. Create a website (not counting a blog - read about my recent difficulties here)  
13. Put all of my CDs on iTunes and then put those bitches in storage
14. Sit up straight. All the time. Ugh. 
15. Make my own pasta.
16. Learn how to hail a cab with one of those really cool loud whistles
17. Visit the area between the Midwest and California, instead of just flying over it. I think is where the “road trip across the US” comes into play
18. Learn how to use a gun (does it count if I already forgot?)
19. Spend New Years in Times Square or go to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade - I feel like just accomplishing one of these is sufficient due to the high maintenance of maneuvering the crowds. 
20. Do not replace deceased pets with more pets (this is more of a note for my future self)
21. Sit courtside at an IU Basketball game
22. Visit the Cristo Redentor statue in Rio de Janeiro
23. Learn how to play poker (not because I really want to, but to finally avoid the incredulous “YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY POKER?!” question)
24. Go to a taping of Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me 

I wanted to post this because I feel like I’ll add to it as I think about it now, rather than burying it in a bunch of junk only to discover 5 years from now. 

Anyone have a lead on any of these? 

Another Great Moment in Tech 101 History

The following conversation took place at 6:20 am this morning. 

MARC: I need to get up and make coffee. I scheduled server maintenance at 7:00. 

ME: You have to maintenance your own server? Doesn’t Rackspace do that? 

MARC: Uh…

ME: Let me remind you, I ask these questions because I really don’t know the answers. 

long pause

MARC: Why would they maintain my server? 

ME: Why wouldn’t they? 

MARC: WHY WOULD THEY?

ME: I can play this game all day, you know. 

MARC: (disgusted sigh)

ME: And so I’ll ask again… What kind of maintenance do you have to do to the server?

MARC: Air up the tires and check the oil and stuff. (WHO’S THE FUNNY GUY?!)

ME: (disgusted sigh)

MARC: I have to update the software.

ME: Servers have software? What kind of software? 

MARC: (said with genuine disbelief) I really don’t know how to answer your question. I don’t even know what you’re asking. 

ME: Seriously? What the hell? It’s really a reasonable question. Do I have a server? Do I schedule maintenance on my imaginary server? 

MARC: (said like a whiney little kid about to throw a tantrum) BUT YOU’RE ASKING ME ABOUT SOFTWARE! (If he had been standing up, there would have been a foot stomp. He might have even fallen down and rolled around on the ground)

ME: I know what f*cking software is. I just didn’t know how a server works. But thank you for explaining it to me in a way that doesn’t make me question my intelligence. Or rather, your opinion of my intelligence. 

MARC: (instantly calm) Oh. Well, you’re welcome. 

So now, not only am I going to credit my upcoming web page to Marc, I’m also going to go get a server. And put stuff on it. And maintenance it. And make it dinner and do its laundry. I bet my new server will tell me I’m smart, notice when I get a haircut, and watch Sex and the City with me. You guys are going to love him! 

Honey, the server is out of gas again!

So….

If only Marc were here. He could probably explain this to me. OR NOT. I also asked him about some very basic skillz (CSS-related) and he very politely pointed me to a website, the way one would give a stranger directions. Like, you’re slightly annoyed at being asked - because doesn’t everyone have some sort of GPS shit on their phones? - but you’ll spare a few precious minutes being a decent human. 

This is a recurring situation. That happens over and over. 

P.S. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t read this blog because I made it and it exists on the web. So therefore it would probably burn his eyes.