JESSICA REED

itspainfullycute: This is way too cute and funny. (The suicide...

Fri, 10 May 2013 17:00:28 -0400

This is way too cute and funny.

(The suicide thing is BS, btw. That’s the only thing, it really pisses me off that people spread misconceptions like that, especially based on non-conclusive evidence!)

I LOVE TARDAR SAUCE.

Help me win the WORLD SERIES! And get a photo of Marc...

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 21:41:30 -0400

Hey friends!

I am the proud owner of a team consisting of a playwright, a director, and 3 actors (because you all know I can’t write, direct, OR act). We’re aiming to win the WORLD SERIES at the Bloomington Playwrights Project’s annual fundraiser The Playoffs, a24 hour theatre competition unlike anything you’ve ever seen! (Even if you’re already thinking, “Blah, fundraising” - PLEASE, for the LOVE, just scroll down to the bottom.)

Here is where you come in - will you help my team win?

On Friday, October 19th, the BPP will hold a press conference where I will be drafted onto a team with a Manager (Director), Coach (Playwright), and 3 Players (Actors). Every dollar I raise before that night improves my draft position and increases my team’s chance of winning the World Series. Here’s how the sponsorships break down:

· You give $25 — I hit a Single (1 Vote)

· You give $50 — I hit a Double (2 Votes)

· You give $100 — I hit a Home Run (5 Votes)

· You give $250 — I hit a Grand Slam (12 Votes)

After the draft, all nine teams have 24 hours to write, rehearse, and produce a short play based only on a theme, a line of dialogue and a prop. At 7:30PM on Saturday night all our hard work pays off with a full, live performance of the plays. After the Sunday night performance the votes are tallied and a World Series champion is chosen!

Simply visit the PlayOffs fundraising page (razoo.com/story/BPP-Playoffs-2012) to donate easily and securely online. Remember, when you donate, clearly state in the dedication section that your gift is supporting me!

Any amount help - even if it’s $10! Here’s the kicker… for anyone who donates $25 or more, I’ll send you an autographed copy of Marc Guyer’s senior photo. For anyone who donates over $100, I’ll send you a photo of a professional Olan Mills-style shoot of Marc and Cowboy. NOW WHO DOESN’T WANT THAT? (Besides Marc and Cowboy…)

Memorial Day Weekend DIY

Tue, 29 May 2012 09:07:39 -0400

Leading up to this weekend I had dreams of Center Hill Lake, the pontoon, too much Coors Light and a sweet tan (i.e. sunburn). For the past 10 years, three-day weekends have typically been spent in this fashion. Load up the dogs, pack the SPF 50 (which is never enough) and a case of Oliver wine for my dad.

It didn’t work out this year, but the weekend was equally awesome. I have a newly painted bedroom. The color before was a golden yellow. The room gets so much light that I knew it could handle a darker color. And this bluish-gray (Wolf Gray from Benjamin Moore) is one of my all-time favorite colors for walls. Also, Benjamin Moore paint is where it’s at. The guy at the paint store suggested two gallons and we didn’t even use an entire gallon.

Notice the classy nightstand.

As a disclaimer, I can’t take credit for this, except for the original idea to paint. Marc is fully aware of my half-ass painting skills. I normally paint for about 30 minutes, realize how bad it sucks, and then hurry it up so that it’s over quickly. Which results in paint on the ceiling, the floor, and all of the trim. I always intend to touch it up later, but at that point I’m over it. And my standards for what constitutes a good paint job are not that high. Apparently he’s fancy and expects perfection. So, we went to the store and bought the paint, I watched him paint for about 30 minutes, and then I went to hang out with friends. And this guy was there… can you blame me?

And so was my dear friend, Señor Bombay:

So, all the credit goes to Marc, who finished the job while I sat on my arse drinking what we now call “The James Dean.”

Center Hill will have to wait until the 4th of July, but I’ve already stocked up on sunscreen.

Marc Guyer's Secret Weight Loss Tips

Tue, 01 May 2012 09:30:25 -0400

Me: *talking out loud, not really speaking to anyone specific* Ugh. I need to lose weight. I think I need to sit down and actually create a schedule of running and going to the gym.

Marc: Um, it’s not that complicated to lose weight.

Me: OH, REALLY? It’s simple, huh? It’s just… not complicated, huh? To lose weight? You’ve got the answer?

Marc. Yeah. Just eat less. Duh.

SAY WHAT?! STOP THE MOTHER LOVING PRESSES, YOU GUYS! What have we been doing to ourselves, paying for gym time, looking for low carb, fat-free, gluten-free, calorie-free recipes, training for marathons, and putting ourselves in general misery when THE ANSWER IS JUST. SO. SIMPLE.

Morons around the globe: JUST EAT LESS.

Now that I have given you this sacred, little-known secret, go forth and seek happiness in the land where muffin tops and double chins are only a myth.

You’re welcome.

Lately

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 12:31:33 -0400

What happened to April? Spring has flown by. Summer will be gone soon. So it goes. Here’s what I did:

Sushi at Kona Grill in Carmel; I can’t remember what this roll was called, but it was amazing!
My new favorite cocktail.
Farmers market flowers and a strawberry rhubarb pie Marc made with farmers market strawberry and rhubarb.
Awards brunch!
Bloomington was named the 4th hardest working town in America - and Total was giving away cereal and fruit. It was a nice surprise breakfast.
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love blue.
Bongzilla, we hardly knew ye. RIP, good buddy.

DIY Painting

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 08:15:27 -0400

So painting shouldn’t be that hard, right? I am a horrible, sloppy, impatient painter. Which is why Marc will not let me repaint the bedroom. More on that later. But he can’t stop me from repainting my own file cabinet! When he isn’t home! And he doesn’t even know I’m doing it!

This project was part success/part disaster. It was part success because I now have a white file cabinet, which was the primary goal.

It was part disaster for several reasons, one of them being the file cabinet is just a POS anyway. Painting it did not hide the fact is was cheap. But it did considerably mask it. Also, this was somewhat unsuccessful due to taking questionable advice. The file cabinet looks fine. If you don’t look too close. Which no one will. In one evening, I painted the cabinet down to about the bottom inch because I could not figure out how to get that last inch without painting the floor. There is still paint all over the floor, but I attribute that to miscellaneous paint splatter, which, in my opinion is really just unavoidable. So I planned on flipping it upside down and painting the bottom the following day.

But here is a fun fact: maybe putting the paint-covered brush in the freezer like someone suggested is not a great idea. Because, let’s say, the next day it’s frozen and when it’s thawed out, it basically is pretending like you just left it out overnight. It’s like a hammer at this point. So, maybe stand your ground and stick with your original plan of putting it in the fridge?

But guess what - I still used that frozen mofo. I liken it to using a toothbrush. But it was the bottom inch of the file cabinet. And really, you guys, my standards were not that high.

What have we learned today? TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. At least this time.

Look at that beautiful “oak” finish!

It’s at least a 58% improvement. Which was way more than I was hoping for.

Saturday Love

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 18:42:15 -0400

Saturdays are my favorite days, especially Saturday mornings. Today was exceptionally awesome and I found myself taking photos all day. These are some of my favorite things from today.

This is my Florence mug. I drink too much coffee and this mug is huge. Perfect.

The Fried Green Tomato BLT from Sweet Grass in Bloomington. And a Stella.

The Nancy Drew collection from the Second Street Antique Mall. I read all of these when I was younger. I kind of wonder what I would think of them now. Lame? Still awesome? She had a friend named Bess, which even then I thought was an unfortunate name.

Need I say more? Exactly.

Fresh basil!

I’m also in the process of repainting an old file cabinet. It’s going… okay. Marc isn’t helping me. I think he’s trying to teach me a lesson and I’m not sure what that is. So take that!

Can't Have Nothin' Nice - Sunglasses Edition

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 11:23:57 -0400

So anyone who knows my father is familiar with the phrase “Damn kids can’t have nothin’ nice.” Because growing up, my brother and I couldn’t have nothin’ nice. We broke stuff. We lost stuff. We trashed stuff. And not really our stuff, either. Mostly my parents’ stuff.

This has followed me around throughout life and is the main reason that I have never owned an expensive pair of sunglasses. I have always wanted a pair of Ray Ban Aviators. But deep down I knew that buying them would be exactly like ripping a $100 bill in half, losing one half, but holding onto the other half, which is useless but forever serves as a reminder of the one time I had an entire $100 bill and effed it all up.

But Marc has nice things. Which I hope are insured. Because I’m left home alone a lot. And sometimes things just break on their own, right? And there is no one else here to verify that I DIDN’T TOUCH IT, I SWEAR!

One night last year, Marc and I went to dinner. And when the sun went down, he asked me to put his sunglasses in my purse. They were a very nice pair of sunglasses. And somewhat fancy. Which leads me to believe they were somewhat expensive. The next morning, Marc asks me for his sunglasses, which are nowhere to be found in my purse. I have no idea what happened, but I do have several theories. They jumped ship. Someone took them. They fell out at one point when I was getting something else out (unlikely). But the most likely scenario? Him asking me to put them in my purse never actually happened.

So he had no sunglasses. On his way home from work one day, he stopped at Big Red Liquors and bought a pair of Budweiser sunglasses for $2.99. Which I started wearing because they were AWESOME (and my sunglasses were MIA, per usual). And then one day they just broke in half. Magically. Somehow.

My point: yesterday, we were at Big Red Liquors again and THERE THEY WERE! IN RED! I am now the proud owner of a special pair of red Budweiser plastic sunglasses. I am writing this post mostly to document the day I acquired these sunglasses. So on the day they become missing or broken I know how many days I had them and I can then determine some sort of average life span of sunglasses once they come into my possession.

P.S. They also come in green, which, in my opinion, just isn’t as classy.

First Post!

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 10:03:48 -0500

artsweek:

Welcome to the blog for IU’s 27th Arts Week!

Here, you will find information about all the events, posts from people in the community, pictures and videos of the events, and a platform for discussing the events.

To share a story, photo, quote, video, link, or quote make sure to click the “Submit a Post” link in the upper right corner of the page.

Oh, and make sure to follow us as the event gets closer:

Twitter: @IUArtsWeek
Facebook: www.facebook.com/ArtsWeek

The List

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 07:33:56 -0500

I was digging through a bunch of junk the other day and found a bucket list that I had started several years ago. A few things on this list have actually been crossed off. Some of them will never be crossed off. It’s by no means done but I’m going to post it, add to it, look at it, think about how bad I suck at accomplishing dreams and goals, and then pat myself on the back for my competent list-making skills.

And, in random order…

~~Go to gra~~d school
Clean out storage and get rid of ALL unnecessary junk (is this even possible?)
~~Run a 5K~~
~~Run a half marathon~~
Run a marathon (after the half marathon, this one may come off the list)
Run Bay to Breakers
Learn to use a fancy camera (Marc has one)
Get Marc to teach me to use fancy camera
Use fancy camera
Travel around Europe some more, hitting the places I missed the first time (this list is it’s own animal)
Brew (drinkable) beer
Create a website (not counting a blog - read about my recent difficulties here)
Put all of my CDs on iTunes and then put those bitches in storage
Sit up straight. All the time. Ugh.
Make my own pasta.
Learn how to hail a cab with one of those really cool loud whistles
Visit the area between the Midwest and California, instead of just flying over it. I think is where the “road trip across the US” comes into play
Learn how to use a gun (does it count if I already forgot?)
Spend New Years in Times Square or go to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade - I feel like just accomplishing one of these is sufficient due to the high maintenance of maneuvering the crowds.
Do not replace deceased pets with more pets (this is more of a note for my future self)
Sit courtside at an IU Basketball game
Visit the Cristo Redentor statue in Rio de Janeiro
Learn how to play poker (not because I really want to, but to finally avoid the incredulous “YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY POKER?!” question)
Go to a taping of Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me

I wanted to post this because I feel like I’ll add to it as I think about it now, rather than burying it in a bunch of junk only to discover 5 years from now.

Anyone have a lead on any of these?

And then there is this.

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 10:49:00 -0500

And then there is this.

Another Great Moment in Tech 101 History

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 10:02:29 -0500

The following conversation took place at 6:20 am this morning.

MARC: I need to get up and make coffee. I scheduled server maintenance at 7:00.

ME: You have to maintenance your own server? Doesn’t Rackspace do that?

MARC: Uh…

ME: Let me remind you, I ask these questions because I really don’t know the answers.

long pause

MARC: Why would they maintain my server?

ME: Why wouldn’t they?

MARC: WHY WOULD THEY?

ME: I can play this game all day, you know.

MARC: (disgusted sigh)

ME: And so I’ll ask again… What kind of maintenance do you have to do to the server?

MARC: Air up the tires and check the oil and stuff. (WHO’S THE FUNNY GUY?!)

ME: (disgusted sigh)

MARC: I have to update the software.

ME: Servers have software? What kind of software?

MARC: (said with genuine disbelief) I really don’t know how to answer your question. I don’t even know what you’re asking.

ME: Seriously? What the hell? It’s really a reasonable question. Do I have a server? Do I schedule maintenance on my imaginary server?

MARC: (said like a whiney little kid about to throw a tantrum) BUT YOU’RE ASKING ME ABOUT SOFTWARE! (If he had been standing up, there would have been a foot stomp. He might have even fallen down and rolled around on the ground)

ME: I know what f*cking software is. I just didn’t know how a server works. But thank you for explaining it to me in a way that doesn’t make me question my intelligence. Or rather, your opinion of my intelligence.

MARC: (instantly calm) Oh. Well, you’re welcome.

So now, not only am I going to credit my upcoming web page to Marc, I’m also going to go get a server. And put stuff on it. And maintenance it. And make it dinner and do its laundry. I bet my new server will tell me I’m smart, notice when I get a haircut, and watch Sex and the City with me. You guys are going to love him!

Honey, the server is out of gas again!

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 00:54:02 -0400

So….

If only Marc were here. He could probably explain this to me. OR NOT. I also asked him about some very basic skillz (CSS-related) and he very politely pointed me to a website, the way one would give a stranger directions. Like, you’re slightly annoyed at being asked - because doesn’t everyone have some sort of GPS shit on their phones? - but you’ll spare a few precious minutes being a decent human.

This is a recurring situation. That happens over and over.

P.S. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t read this blog because I made it and it exists on the web. So therefore it would probably burn his eyes.

reposted from betsytrotzke: The Combine 2011: Why...

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 19:50:13 -0400

reposted from betsytrotzke:

The Combine 2011: Why Bloomington?

So, you’ve heard about the Combine? Maybe you even attended the Combine in 2010. Excellent! But, you may be wondering why such a great conference is set in a small Midwestern town like Bloomington.

Without a doubt, there are many great tech conferences set in locales across the country from Silicon Valley to New York City. In recent years, great tech conferences have also sprung up in emerging tech communities like Boulder, CO, Austin, TX (SXSW) and Omaha, NE (Big Omaha).

Built up around Indiana University, Bloomington is, at heart, a thriving college town. But more than that, it is an oasis for technology and culture. With a robust music and theater scene, eclectic restaurants, and no shortage of beautiful parks and nature preserves, Bloomington has become a destination for work and for play.

For many years, Bloomington has evolved a tech scene and it is with the support of Indiana University, local businesses, emerging start ups and an incredible group of “geeks” that we launched the Combine in 2010. Bloomington is perhaps one of Indiana’s best kept tech secrets and we’re ready to pull back the curtain! Read more on http://blog.thecombine.org.

No?

Mon, 01 Aug 2011 16:46:00 -0400

No?

GET OFF MY LAWN! I sawed off two shots, man. This was two years...

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 13:52:00 -0400

GET OFF MY LAWN!

I sawed off two shots, man. This was two years ago at the Laguna Seca Shooting Range in California. I’m so badass with a gun that I’m being considered for Sharon’s Stone’s character in the prequel of The Quick and the Dead. And also that chick from The Matrix that shoots guns. And Lara Croft. Does she shoot guns? If so, her too.

The Convo in which Marc Craps on my Web Skillz

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 11:01:55 -0400

This one I pulled from the archives.

So I took a Dreamweaver class. Not because I think that Dreamweaver is amazing or is a glorious substitute for coding, but because it was free. F-R-E-E.

Jessica: So I made a website. Come over here and look at it.

Marc: (raises eyebrows) You did what?

J: Ug. I made a website. Come look.

M: (just sits there)

J: Just look at it. It’s not all HTML-tastic but it’s useable. It’s not ridiculous or anything. Just quit judging it from the couch and judge it to its face!

M: (comes over, stares at computer for about 30 seconds) Um, yeah. That’s… It’s nice.

J: What’s the problem?

M: I mean, it’s fine. Sure.

J: Why do I need a website? I don’t. So this one has a photo of me, some nice colors, and links to social networking stuff. It’s simple. It doesn’t need to be all complicated and do complicated shit.

M: Yeah. It’s… I mean… Why did you do this again?

J: I don’t know. Because maybe I want to create websites for a living using Dreamweaver?

STARE DOWN ENSUES

J: Just because I wanted to. To see how hard it was. I mean, apparently we have established that you aren’t going to make me a website. We’ve apparently also established that this embarrasses you. And you know what? IT SHOULD. You should be embarrassed that you won’t create a website for your girlfriend because THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS! LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!

P.S. I never published it, but I mean, come on. It’s not that heinous. I’ve seen websites that look like Myspace profiles. I could have gone that route.

P.P.S. I was never able to shame Marc into making me a website. Back to the drawing board. I’m thinking a comic sans font might do the trick. Wish me luck.

Conversations with Marc

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 11:40:00 -0400

I’ve decided to start recording conversations between Marc and I, the ones where I ask a very simple, reasonable question and he looks at me like I’ve just told him that I’m leaving him for Edward Cullen. The actual Edward Cullen. Like I think he’s a real person.

Me: So, what happens when “the server crashes?” (Use of air quotes here)

Marc: (blank stare, blinks eyes)

Me: I mean, what causes a server to crash? And how do you fix it? You’re always talking about server problems and fixing them. I just want to know what that means.

Marc: (continued blank stare)

Me: Um…what?

Marc: I don’t understand the question.

Me: Why are you looking at me like I’m an alien? What happens when a server crashes? Is it really that complicated of a question?

Marc: It’s like you asking me, “Why won’t my car go?”

Me: First off, I would never ask, “Why won’t my car ‘go?’” Maybe “why won’t my car start” but never what you said.

Marc: That’s not the point - the point is that what you’re asking is way too broad to be answered in one sentence.

Me: (becoming irritated) Well, couldn’t you just have given me a f*cking EXAMPLE?

Marc: (shrugs) Flat tire?

Ask me about the plastics

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 00:00:00 -0400

So I just started using Klout. “Using” is not quite the right word, though. Because I’m not sure how to “use” it. I just entered in my information and then I stared at the screen.

But here is what I am taking away from this experience:

If you need advice on cars, local politics, and weddings please DO NOT ask me. These are probably the top 3 things IN THE WORLD that I know the least about. I am probably the last person – again, IN THE WORLD – that you should ask if you want to learn more about these things. However, Klout also believes that I am influential on plastic. This could be true. I like plastic. I use a lot of things that are made of plastic. I like to recycle it. You should recycle it, too. See? Knowledge. Influence. It’s all right here.

I want to write good.

Sun, 13 Mar 2011 00:00:00 -0500

I love notebooks. I have a sort of collection. Yesterday I counted that I have 7 notebooks of different sizes, reporting for duty (not counting the 10-pack of steno pads that I just bought at Sam’s). ‘Cause, you know, I’m going to write stuff in them at some point. Lists, meeting notes, profound shit, and the like. But I do not consider myself a writer – more of a doodler. And again, a list-maker. Here are the things I love about lists: 1. the excitement of crossing things off never gets old… And you get the point. I’m sure there is some sort of psychological oddity that drives people to obsessively make lists and I’ll do some web research on that later and cure myself.

But for the time being, I’ve been pondering a different issue – why does everyone want a blog? Or more importantly, why do we all think we can write an interesting blog that people want to read? Is it because we are physically capable of writing, therefore we think we can do it well? Maybe I’ll finish that novel and some Good Will Hunting karma will come my way and I’ll be rich and famous. And all along, you thought I was ordinary! IN YOUR FACE!

Back in the day I kept angst-filled diaries, which I promptly burned upon rediscovering and reading them. Oh, the horror. And the bad poetry! Let’s face it – recording your most intimate thoughts is similar to taking compromising photos of yourself: in the wrong hands disaster ensues. What I want a blog to do for me is to create a sort of time line that I can look back on. Like my first blog post on this Word Press site from two weeks ago – man, those were good times. I remember it like it was yesterday.

But writing is damn hard. First, you have to find something interesting to write about – something that interests YOU. Finding things that interest others is a science that the majority of us have not mastered. And then, you have to present yourself as a halfway intelligent being while writing. So after 6 months of contemplating your first blog post, you might be ready to post it after 30 days of writing, rewriting, questioning whether or not it’s a good first blog post, wondering whether anyone will read it, wondering whether you should even tell your friends about it because what if they secretly make fun of you, and then actually finding the time to get around to posting it. What was I writing about again?